Virginia, Summer, 1964

Human beings are variables. Failure to grasp this fact is the major failing of all Utopian visions regardless of their provenance, for such fantasies assume humanity can be controlled, made predictable, guided.

Case in point: Four whores from New Orleans should find no haven in a small Virginia town, yet this is precisely what we have found. The doctor is as good as his word- nobody asks and he volunteers nothing, stopping by daily to check on you and pump us all full of penicillin “just on general principle.” Buck Carlyle stops by every day, sometimes twice a day, just to check on you- his chivalric impulse in full control now.

The first two days are horrible as you slip in and out of delirium, the three of us having to pin you down when you lashed out, but the valium Dr. O’Malley left for you relieves the worst of it and by the third morning you are calm and lucid. Neff and Aiko are better as well, the knowledge we are not being sought by the police and your recovery easing the fear they have carried inside. We are all of us keeping true to each other, true to the need to leave the streets behind.

Once you are feeling better I have to turn my efforts to the breaking of bad habits. Our new surroundings are helpful for they are alien to you and the others. Aiko in particular seems to slip into this new reality effortlessly, cultivating a sense of reserved dignity in stark contrast to the excitable, fidgeting creature who sold herself on a New Orleans street corner. Having left the surreal horror of New Orleans behind, she has found her inner self and is amazed.

Neff, always the calm one of the three, now seems lost and forlorn. Things have changed too suddenly, her world now turned on its head. New Orleans was terrible, but there was a certainty to it, a familiarity that makes such things seem almost comfortable. Freedom is something she is not prepared for, not yet. There is time now, time to heal all manner of hurts until she feels the firmness of the world beneath her feet.

And you, as days become weeks you unfold like a flower. The drugs are gone from your body, but their hold upon your soul is far more difficult to sunder. More difficult, but not impossible: like being born you emerge from the darkness and begin to perceive the world around you with a clarity that grows deeper and more complete with every passing day. The cold bitterness of your past still churns inside you, those wounds will leave their marks forever, but there are moments when the girl overwhelms the pain, and those come more frequently every day.

So many good things, and yet the past years cannot be set aside so easily. Buck’s attentions to you, so well-meant, set you on edge. You are afraid to offend him and afraid to be alone with him. Neff and Aiko naturally seek to protect you, but none of you know how to behave around men who give you a choice. The results are sometimes comical, but also problematic. As we reach the end of a month here there is no choice but to move on.

Three Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Three

I long ago set aside the notion that every day is a gift, but not out of some cynical resignation to the mundane nature of life. No, I simply came to understand I had lived so long I could find no reason to resent the notion of there being no tomorrow.

And yet there are those times when I wish another tomorrow were a gift I could bestow. Life is not fair and never will be.

Rest In Peace, Cathy.

Confrontation

“Angie!”

I was moving even before Aiko’s panicked shriek died in the air and the deputy was right behind me. We found Dalene stretched out on her back in the doorway to the bedroom, her head cradled in Neff’s lap as she twitched and gagged, foam drooling from the corner of her mouth.

I froze, staring at her as Neff looked up at me with terror in her eyes, Aiko standing over both of them with her hands twisted in her hair and tears streaming down her face. In that moment there was nothing but paralyzing fear- had I made a mistake? I expected withdrawal, expected it to be very unpleasant, but this bad, this suddenly?

The Deputy swore a quiet oath and gently yet firmly guided me to one side as he brushed past me to kneel beside her.

“Turn her head, girl,” he said to Neff, “don’t need her choking. Miss Angie, you dial zero on the phone there and ask for an ambulance. Tell ‘em Buck Carlyle is here.”

Ambulance? Disaster. I had to stop it, had to deflect his concern, take control of this, think of something…

Stories About Me, Written By Others…

Chapter 1

I usually play video games with my wife and son on Thursday nights. Our rule: if the phone rings, we ignore it unless it’s important. Since not much is more important than helping my son blast assorted nasties to bits, the phone rarely was answered. Still, I’m no fool, and when the caller said, “…we have a freelance job available for you from a well-paying client, if you can pick up the phone now. Are you in? It’s now 6:15pm Eastern Time, and if you can get back to me before…”

“Dude, frag that Elite!” I yelled as I picked up the phone. Then I forced a smile into my voice. “Hello, hello, well-paying client? What can I do for you?” I try to be moderately informal, even in business. I only freelance on the side, so I like to have fun with it. I don’t like dealing with uptight clients anyway.

Caller ID showed a blocked number, but he identified himself as working for a company in Boston that was offering me $10,000 if I would fly out to Colorado on Saturday morning.

I laughed a little. It wasn’t the biggest offer I’d ever gotten. On the other hand, it was the biggest I’d gotten in a few years. He repeated that he was serious, but wasn’t allowed to give me any more details. He said that if I could accept delivery of a package with a written offer tomorrow morning by 10AM, and call him back by 11, I’d have the gig. Otherwise, he had a list of other people he needed to call right now instead.

Crisis

We were three days on the road when Dalene began digging through her bag, her face a study in quiet desperation as she pawed through her few belongings searching for something she knew she would not find. Aiko was driving with Neff beside her. Dalene and I were in the back seat.

“When did you run out?” I asked her.

Her gaze settled on me, her eyes a curious mixture of fear and resignation. “This morning,” she said. “I’ve been trying to stretch it out, but…” She sat back, her head lolling to one side as she stared out the window. “I’ll be ok.”

“No, you won’t.” I tapped Aiko on the shoulder, “We need to find a motel. We’re stopping for a few days.”